Titles Suck

I've abandoned my previous, non-work related blog. Perhaps it's better to get a fresh start or whatever, than to keep messing about with the old stuff. I plan on deleting it later. 

Of course, later can be some time away. 

I thought maybe I would like publishing my every thought out loud. There's enough mindless chatter on Facebook, that blogging seems thought-provoking. I've started to actually like those idiotic "How Old Am I?" and "What Is Your Mental Age?" games that people post. BTW, I'm in my mid-forties according to the Internet. 

It's pretty much omniscient.

I'm also an Intellectual Genius. 

According to the Internet. 

I think I'm lonely. I can't say that I am, I talk to my mum, my hubby, my kids, my in-laws, my co-workers. So I can only think it. 

It's like, after having a kid, my life has found fulfillment in one area but there's this gnawing emptiness that I keep pushing back. 

When I was younger, I'd just go dancing. I'd dance off the pain and for a few months I'd be fine. Then I'd want to dance again.

I don't feel like I can dance this shit away. It keeps resurfacing. I felt terrible last week, I lay in bed one night and contemplated what I was doing, like some horrific, cliche scene out of a coming-of-age novel. 

Inner dialogue last week Wednesday:

For crying out loud, what is wrong with you now?

 I don't know. I can't see the future. Maybe I should write a novel or call my former friends. I feel lonely.

Oh, for the love of...seriously? You are nuts. Go to sleep. You need to sleep and that's why you're bellyachin' at 11p.m. 

Also, stop buying expensive coffee. The budget is blown.

I know. I know. I'll go to sleep. Do you think I should call them?

...Why don't you ask Mr. Sandman?

I'll stop buying the expensive coffee.

Finally.

After tomorrow.

Cue nursing daughter's hungry cry. Roll over and put boob in baby's mouth.

End Scene.

It's strange to admit my feelings. I'm introverted. I'm reclusive. I'm not a diary-keeping-tell-all, type of person. 

This blog feels like a diary. I hope my crush doesn't find it under my mattress.

So, two of my close friends ditched me over 2 years ago after I lied about eloping with my hubby.  We sort of figured they'd get over it. I mean, I wouldn't hold it against them if they forgone the wedding and eloped. 

For our 1 year anniversary, we had the big wedding. The elopement was for money and health insurance purposes. 

They never called. I even talked to one of them, but she never mentioned wanting another apology or even accepting the first one. 

I feel like a whiny, little bitch.

I've known them my whole life and even after all these years they can't accept an apology? Perhaps I didn't know them very well, because I'm a little surprised. 

Surprised that they've ignored me for so long. Surprised that it took me two years to really feel the effects.

Good luck to them.

I've been reading a lot of YA for work...maybe it's rubbing off. Maybe I miss playing board games with people who laugh at my corny jokes and make Jane Austen and Dr. Who references. 

Either way, I'm a dictator now. I run a small library. I run a small household. I manage a small savings account and I have weird dreams about inland hurricanes and looters. 

Guess it's time for the big girl panties.