Parenthood

I woke up ready to give up. I think I got about 5 hours last night and that's more than usual...so naturally my body is tired. The baby was slightly fussy this morning, my eldest was overly chatty and the hubby? Well, he was asleep because he went fishing last night.

Maybe I should have told him 'no', but he's a grown man and it feels a little weird to say 'you can't do that because I'm your wife'.

Sure, I'm exhausted, stressed and unable to physically get off the sofa sometimes, but I can't make you stay home.

I probably should have. I feel bad though. You always complain about not going fishing. Even though you went last weekend, who knows how long it will be until the next fishing trip?

I wish I could go fishing. I wish I could take a nap.

I actually dream about finding a quiet place to collapse and not move again for several days.

But the laundry would pile up and you didn't take out the bathroom trash last night when you got home and I didn't have time to this morning with the kids running around.

By the way, I hope you don' t mind but it feels like I'm not making dinner again. Hope you like leftovers.

I'd call my mother over to help but she's exhausted from work and your mom already watches the kids while I'm at work.

It's the guilty part of me that wants some 'me' time. Not just the 20 minutes in the shower or the quiet part of the evening when I fold laundry that I'll have to sneak into rooms to put away. I don't want to be that woman.

I don't want to be exhausted and unhappy.

I keep saying, "It's only for a short time...soon the kids will be grown and I'll be bored."

But I don't think I would be bored. I'd be planning trips, writing, working out in the yard--maybe I could plant that garden I wanted to last year. I'd read and read and read and not feel bad about the laundry or dishes or trash. I'd cook gourmet meals that you'd hate and I'd devour. My mantra would be "live it up" instead of "nap time?". I'd travel around the world with the kids and make friends that I'd see regularly.

I think about these things when I'm putting the baby to sleep.

I wonder what Spain will be like as I give our eldest a bath.

I keep asking for your help and I know it sometimes annoys you that you don't get to spend time doing all your favorite activities, but from one parent to another--it frustrates the hell out of me too.

You're not alone and I never say this, but when you help me by vacuuming the floors you're hotter than Chris Hemsworth in Thor. 

And you know how I feel about Chris Hemsworth...

So, tonight when I ask you to stay inside and watch the girls while I do the dishes and start laundry please don't pout.

And when that day comes when I tell you I'm going to go to the store without the kids and you're in charge, just smile.

Finally, when I ask you in the future if I can take off without the kids for some unplanned girl-time remember your fishing trips and don't say you can't watch them.

Because I'm tired of being that woman. She's not who I'd thought I'd be, she's not who I want to be and while I love all of you, I really miss being a woman who didn't give up.

GRRRR...

I remember why I left the area today.

Our flag was torn and hanging "not upside down" but sideways at work. A nice patron came in and informed us and so I went out to try and take it down.

Between the sun and the ropes, I figured I better wait and get help.

I e-mailed the grounds committee to get a volunteer to help me and find a replacement.

Said person, upon seeing that we had not immediately fixed the flag, went to the village hall to complain.

The village hall called and then complained.

Finally, one of the staff managed to get the damn flag down so people would shut the f up.

The nice school custodians helped replace and dispose of the flag.

I'm all for respecting the flag, but if someone can't fix things immediately perhaps you should offer to help rather than bitch.

P.S. There are kids still be bombed in Gaza. Maybe we should do something about that first.



Perhaps I'm over reacting. I got two hours of sleep last night and I don't think I'm suited to customer service on so little sleep.

World Domination Vs. Sleep Training an Infant

World Domination is so much easier.

Sleep training an infant is asking a non-verbal being who hates sleeping to lay down and, without assistance, go to sleep.

Sleeping is easy...getting their isn't.

You can only nurse, cuddle, rock, bounce, singing, walk, wear and snuggle the baby for so long. Eventually, as every piece of literature on the subject states, you will have to put the baby down. The baby needs to learn to sleep without you...

The crying begins.

The crying continues.

One of you will give in.

Then you have to start the process all over again, because you didn't do it right the night before when you gave in.

Somewhere along the way coffee gets involved.

You'll be exhausted and you'll misspell words and sleep deprivation isn't one of them.

In fact, they're the only two words you haven't misspelled since the ordeal began.

World domination on the other hand, involves invading, blowing things up and then sleeping, like a person without a baby, until the next round of battles.

Sure it can be stressful.Telling millions of people what to do everyday is a lot of work, but then you have underlings to do the enforcing.

They stay up and listen to the crying.

They sip coffee and explain that "No, you can't have this land back." to invaded peoples.

Everyone can verbally understand each other.

Everyone knows what to expect when their invaded.

You expect a fight. You fight. Finally, someone loses and you go to sleep.

I think I'm going to try conquering the world...after I get my baby to take a nap.

And the battle for sleep domination begins again.

Titles Suck

I've abandoned my previous, non-work related blog. Perhaps it's better to get a fresh start or whatever, than to keep messing about with the old stuff. I plan on deleting it later. 

Of course, later can be some time away. 

I thought maybe I would like publishing my every thought out loud. There's enough mindless chatter on Facebook, that blogging seems thought-provoking. I've started to actually like those idiotic "How Old Am I?" and "What Is Your Mental Age?" games that people post. BTW, I'm in my mid-forties according to the Internet. 

It's pretty much omniscient.

I'm also an Intellectual Genius. 

According to the Internet. 

I think I'm lonely. I can't say that I am, I talk to my mum, my hubby, my kids, my in-laws, my co-workers. So I can only think it. 

It's like, after having a kid, my life has found fulfillment in one area but there's this gnawing emptiness that I keep pushing back. 

When I was younger, I'd just go dancing. I'd dance off the pain and for a few months I'd be fine. Then I'd want to dance again.

I don't feel like I can dance this shit away. It keeps resurfacing. I felt terrible last week, I lay in bed one night and contemplated what I was doing, like some horrific, cliche scene out of a coming-of-age novel. 

Inner dialogue last week Wednesday:

For crying out loud, what is wrong with you now?

 I don't know. I can't see the future. Maybe I should write a novel or call my former friends. I feel lonely.

Oh, for the love of...seriously? You are nuts. Go to sleep. You need to sleep and that's why you're bellyachin' at 11p.m. 

Also, stop buying expensive coffee. The budget is blown.

I know. I know. I'll go to sleep. Do you think I should call them?

...Why don't you ask Mr. Sandman?

I'll stop buying the expensive coffee.

Finally.

After tomorrow.

Cue nursing daughter's hungry cry. Roll over and put boob in baby's mouth.

End Scene.

It's strange to admit my feelings. I'm introverted. I'm reclusive. I'm not a diary-keeping-tell-all, type of person. 

This blog feels like a diary. I hope my crush doesn't find it under my mattress.

So, two of my close friends ditched me over 2 years ago after I lied about eloping with my hubby.  We sort of figured they'd get over it. I mean, I wouldn't hold it against them if they forgone the wedding and eloped. 

For our 1 year anniversary, we had the big wedding. The elopement was for money and health insurance purposes. 

They never called. I even talked to one of them, but she never mentioned wanting another apology or even accepting the first one. 

I feel like a whiny, little bitch.

I've known them my whole life and even after all these years they can't accept an apology? Perhaps I didn't know them very well, because I'm a little surprised. 

Surprised that they've ignored me for so long. Surprised that it took me two years to really feel the effects.

Good luck to them.

I've been reading a lot of YA for work...maybe it's rubbing off. Maybe I miss playing board games with people who laugh at my corny jokes and make Jane Austen and Dr. Who references. 

Either way, I'm a dictator now. I run a small library. I run a small household. I manage a small savings account and I have weird dreams about inland hurricanes and looters. 

Guess it's time for the big girl panties.