Parenthood

I woke up ready to give up. I think I got about 5 hours last night and that's more than usual...so naturally my body is tired. The baby was slightly fussy this morning, my eldest was overly chatty and the hubby? Well, he was asleep because he went fishing last night.

Maybe I should have told him 'no', but he's a grown man and it feels a little weird to say 'you can't do that because I'm your wife'.

Sure, I'm exhausted, stressed and unable to physically get off the sofa sometimes, but I can't make you stay home.

I probably should have. I feel bad though. You always complain about not going fishing. Even though you went last weekend, who knows how long it will be until the next fishing trip?

I wish I could go fishing. I wish I could take a nap.

I actually dream about finding a quiet place to collapse and not move again for several days.

But the laundry would pile up and you didn't take out the bathroom trash last night when you got home and I didn't have time to this morning with the kids running around.

By the way, I hope you don' t mind but it feels like I'm not making dinner again. Hope you like leftovers.

I'd call my mother over to help but she's exhausted from work and your mom already watches the kids while I'm at work.

It's the guilty part of me that wants some 'me' time. Not just the 20 minutes in the shower or the quiet part of the evening when I fold laundry that I'll have to sneak into rooms to put away. I don't want to be that woman.

I don't want to be exhausted and unhappy.

I keep saying, "It's only for a short time...soon the kids will be grown and I'll be bored."

But I don't think I would be bored. I'd be planning trips, writing, working out in the yard--maybe I could plant that garden I wanted to last year. I'd read and read and read and not feel bad about the laundry or dishes or trash. I'd cook gourmet meals that you'd hate and I'd devour. My mantra would be "live it up" instead of "nap time?". I'd travel around the world with the kids and make friends that I'd see regularly.

I think about these things when I'm putting the baby to sleep.

I wonder what Spain will be like as I give our eldest a bath.

I keep asking for your help and I know it sometimes annoys you that you don't get to spend time doing all your favorite activities, but from one parent to another--it frustrates the hell out of me too.

You're not alone and I never say this, but when you help me by vacuuming the floors you're hotter than Chris Hemsworth in Thor. 

And you know how I feel about Chris Hemsworth...

So, tonight when I ask you to stay inside and watch the girls while I do the dishes and start laundry please don't pout.

And when that day comes when I tell you I'm going to go to the store without the kids and you're in charge, just smile.

Finally, when I ask you in the future if I can take off without the kids for some unplanned girl-time remember your fishing trips and don't say you can't watch them.

Because I'm tired of being that woman. She's not who I'd thought I'd be, she's not who I want to be and while I love all of you, I really miss being a woman who didn't give up.